Shorts, Part Two

Most drivers check their blind spots and side mirrors to clear the lane or turn before they change lanes or turn, but sometimes they have a lapse and forget to do so. The large majority of collisions are decidedly preventable by the vigilance of the other drivers in the vicinity. Therefore, for drivers {x, y, z...} let {X, Y, Z} represent the probability of their respective situational awareness. Is the probability of collision therefore (1-X)(1-Y)(1-Z)...? The only variable that appears outstanding is the relative positioning of the vehicles. Let {xy, xz, yz...} therefore represent the coefficient of relative positioning that determines proximity to collision. The probability of collision would therefore be (xy)(xz)(yz)(1-X)(1-Y)(1-Z). Everyone should go home and determine their own probability of paying attention at any given moment on the road. We could then program the probabilities {X, Y, Z...} into transponders that would transmit to computerized radar detectors that could then output the probability of collision at any time during a drive based on the other drivers in the vicinity. Would that be more or less helpful than a CBDR output?

Second verse of "Amazing Grace": "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear." How, specifically, was this accomplished?

I have gained 30 lbs in the last 5 years. That averages to 6 lbs per year. Somehow I still look manorexic. If I live to be 80, I will rest with 489 lbs in my coffin. I can't imagine still looking manorexic at 489 lbs. I should look into finding more than the standard six pallbearers.

In the song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce, the main refrain is "If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it." Let's focus on the pronoun and its possible antecedent. "If you liked [], then you shoulda put a ring on []." You'd expect to "put a ring on" [the lady's ring finger], but typically guys don't especially like [the lady's ring finger]. Take it from the other end: if you liked [the lady], then you're objectifying "it" to the point of not even granting "it" a "her" status. So for all the listeners who hail "Single Ladies" as the new female-empowering classic in the style of "Respect" and "I Will Survive" -- please, girlfriend.

Why would Miley Cyrus put Taylor Swift in her Hannah Montana movie? Taylor Swift is better looking and a better singer. That's like inviting Heidi Klum to be a bridesmaid at your wedding.

A lot of people do superficial things like check Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter excessively. A lot of people write superficial articles and columns about those aforementioned people doing superficial things. You are reading a superficial statement about those people writing superficial articles about people doing superficial things. It's almost as bad as getting RickRolled.

If the noun form of "artificial" is "artifice," the noun form of "superficial" should be obvious.

Strangers who normally wouldn't make eye contact suddenly walk across rooms to pat a woman's stomach once she becomes pregnant. Uncanny, but I wonder if there's some form of alternative energy to be harvested from the perpetual motion of fawning pregnant-stomach-patters.

If it weren't for great expectations, everyone could get married for under $10,000.

Most people, even if they haven't seen the movie, are familiar with the plot of Weekend at Bernie's: two young insurance executives discover that their boss Bernie has died in his sleep and over the weekend, to avoid trouble with the police and with certain hitmen, they have to convince everyone that Bernie is alive by dragging the corpse around, sitting it up, posing it, making its arms wave and head nod, and doing Bernie's voice from behind the corpse. Hey, I just thought of a way to make a sequel to The Dark Knight!

I think a good way to heckle someone named Mary would be to ask if she had Maryngitis, but unbelievably, I have never heard anyone use that.

It would make sense if Keats liked steak, especially since Keats had a turn for words.

Those Somali pirates could have definitely had much better PR if one of them had renamed himself Jack Sparrow.

Someone should write an algorithm that codifies the unspoken rules for selecting the optimal available urinal in the men's room. This algorithm could turn on a light over the correct urinal to use, based on which units are occupied and which are available. Not that the choice isn't typically intuitive and evident, but someone needs to teach boys to be men.

I recently went to England and visited three huge and beautiful edifices: St. Paul's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey, and Yorkminster. Each was awe-inspiring and engendered wonder and reverence for what would cause men to build such a structure of size and beauty and presence. In that way, giant cathedrals testify to the glory of God. Our hearts are also supposed to be temples for the Lord, but I wonder what specifically in my heart inspires that sort of awe and glorification of God.



I went to a beautiful wedding recently where the couple wrote their own vows. One of them said, "I will always give you the benefit of the doubt," which is a very loving thing to say. There are a lot of things about God that don't make sense to me, but if I love Him, I should always give Him the benefit of the doubt.